Being diagnosed with BPD.

This post isn't a particularly easy one to write, but I wanted to do it even if it just helped one person going through the same thing as I am. If you've read previous posts of mine you may have noticed I have mental health issues. For years all I've wanted is a diagnosis, I've just wanted somebody to tell me this is what you have and this is how we can help because deep down I've always known it was more than depression and anxiety. 

Finally, this week I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, or as the professionals like to call it 'Emotionally unstable personality disorder'. I still haven't quite processed it all because I've had so many mixed emotions since my assessment with the psychiatrist. I and my parents have fought so hard to get to this point, endless GP appointments, hospital admissions, and self-help but nothing was getting me the help I needed. It wasn't until my last hospital admission early November of this year things finally started to progress and I was starting to get the help I so badly wanted and needed. 

Getting that diagnosis was just one step in the right direction, I felt instant relief which may sound a bit bizarre to other people, but when you've gone through years of not really knowing what's wrong with you for someone to tell you it's because you have an illness makes all the difference. I finally had some answers to why I act and feel the way I do. For most of that day, I didn't give it a second thought until I got home and then all these mixed emotions hit me like a ton of bricks, I suddenly felt so overwhelmed. I wanted to cry, but I was also happy, I wanted to tell everybody that mattered to me, but I also wanted to keep it to myself in fear that people would think differently of me. I got myself into a bit of a mess emotionally because I finally had the answers I wanted but now what do I do? I had no idea. I guess I still really don't have any idea, but what I do know is that I am getting the support I need and I'm extremely lucky to have such a supportive network around me who keep me going when I want to give up.

For some having that label of an illness put on them may make them feel even worse and for me, I guess part of me does feel a bit of a failure but in most parts, I'm just happy that it has been noticed and the correct help can be put in place for me to live in a way that my illness won't be my life, it will just be a tiny part of it which I'll have control of. 

Having a mental illness does not make you weird, broken or weak, it just means you have to work a little harder in life to make sure you have ultimate power over yourself rather than your illness.

Just remember...

Girl hearts Girl book review.

This blog has been silent for almost 4 months now, but something in me wanted to write this post. I wanted to express how I feel whilst I found myself in a reflective mood.

A few days ago I was looking through amazon and a book called Girl hearts Girl came up in my suggestions, I'd thought about ordering it before but I've never been much of a book reader so I never got round to it. The books author is Lucy Sutcliffe, I discovered Lucy for the first time on Youtube a few years back. I'm not sure how I came across her video but I'm so glad I did. The first video I watched of hers was her coming out story, at this moment in time I was confused about my sexuality so I can only guess I was looking through youtube watching various videos and somehow stumbled across Kaelyn and Lucy's channel.

I initially read a few chapters the first day the book arrived through the post, I couldn't put it down. Something about this book is so raw, honest and relatable I didn't and couldn't stop reading it. Every page I kept turning I was thinking more and more about my own journey in discovering who I am. Lucy's story I guess is a little similar to mine in regards to not being able to tell friends and family about being gay. For a long time, like Lucy I just went along with what was considered 'normal', this really echoed in the book and even though it was a long time ago it made me feel better about my past and that there are other people that have had similar experiences to me.

Having watched a lot of videos of Lucy on youtube and her relationship with Kaelyn I sort of knew parts of the story I was reading but the book lets you in that little bit more. Although it's bittersweet reading the last half of the book now knowing Lucy and Kaelyn are no longer together.

For anybody struggling with their sexuality, struggling to come out or just anybody in general, I urge you to read Lucy's book! It really helped me accept a few things from my past that I never really thought much about anymore, and weirdly it felt like a weight has lifted off of my shoulders that I didn't even know was there. 

The world is a scary place.

Sitting down to start typing this post I already feel so much sadness and heartache, I'm angry. I'm angry as a human being, I'm angry as a person part of the LGBT community. I'm angry that this isn't being talked about enough. 

If you've been oblivious to the news in the last few days you wouldn't have heard about the BIGGEST mass shooting in the U.S that happened in Orlando in the early hours of Sunday morning in a gay club called Pulse. This disgusting homophobic, terrorist, hate crime killed 50 people, left 50+ injured. 

Do I have any right to be doing a post about this, no probably not? But do I have my own voice, am I part of the LGBT community, yes. I started writing this with no intention of posting it, I just wanted to let some steam off and get my thoughts on the matter out there. 

I'll explain why I'm angry, firstly I'm sick of reading or watching things where people will not just blatantly say what happened was a homophobic attack. He intended to go into that club, a GAY club and kill people. It wasn't just an act of terror, it was calculated. We've even read statements from the killers own Dad saying 'My son got angry because he saw two men kissing a few months ago'. Really?!! It makes my blood boil. I'm angry because I've barely seen anyone speak out unless they are part of the LGBT community or strong supporters. Celebrities who have huge platforms and again I've not seen many speak out. No attack is worthy of support more or less, these people lost their lives, innocent people, LGBT people, HUMANS. 

This is why we still need pride, this is why LGBT feel like we're not equal. 

My heart breaks for every individual that lost their lives were injured or involved Sunday night. 

My return to blogging... again!

How do you start a blog post when you haven't in written anything in 3 months, uh god knows! I have no idea where to start or what to write but we'll see how this turns out. I've very much excluded myself from the blogging world the past few months, I haven't really read many blogs and I've barely looked at my own. I guess I really didn't have much interest and I lost any excitement I had for my blog.

Lately, I've really thought about how much I miss opening up my blog and just typing whatever I feel or seeing idea's I've had for a while become a whole post. It's that proud feeling like you've actually accomplished something on days when you maybe haven't done a lot. I wish I could be one of those people that have so many ideas they manage to do 3/4 posts a week but I never have and I don't think I ever will be one of those people. I always said since I started my blog I would never put pressure on myself to do a maximum amount of posts a week because that would just be setting myself up to fail.

Now I'm back and I've finally sat down to do this first post hopefully it continues and I can start getting some good content out there for whoever feels like reading them.

Let's hope I don't disappear for another 3 months.

10 painful but true facts when dealing with a mental illness

This won't come as a shock to most people that read my blog, but if you're new then firstly hello and secondly, yes, recently I've found myself becoming very public about my mental health issues and not being too embarrassed to tweet my day to day emotions or speak up when I'm having a bad day.

It dawned on me just how much I've been holding back. Either too embarrassed to mention or too scared of worrying other people but here is what I think EVERYBODY should know. It doesn't matter whether it's you directly affected by a mental health illness, somebody you know or if you've had no experience of it at all!

This list is purely based on my own thoughts, feelings and experience with my mental health, not anybody else's.

1. When we push you away or distance ourselves from you, it REALLY means we need you. 

I have first-hand experience with this one and I know it can be a little confusing and at times extremely frustrating for the person who just wants to help. But for me, I find this almost gives me some sort of protection. If I don't allow people to get close to me then well surely I can't get hurt, but nope that's wrong in so many ways. We only end up hurting ourselves more and the people we love.

2. We don't mean to cancel plans, drop out last minute or let you down. 

Another thing I am scoring top marks in! I can arrange something weeks even months in advance and be totally up for it, but if that day comes around and I wake up feeling like the world is crumbling down around me I'll probably hide in my bed for the rest of that day feeling guilty for letting somebody down but have anxiety so bad I couldn't possibly get out of my front door.

3. Hearing somebody say 'cheer up', 'what have you got to be depressed about?' or 'stop being so boring/sad all the time' is the WORST thing to say. 

This is incredibly insulting, hurtful and well just rude. You can't see a mental health illness, so yeah you might not mean any harm from it but seriously, it really fucks us up.

4. Being around people that are full of life 24/7 is exhausting at times. 

Okay, so this one sounds a little harsh and you're probably thinking but surely it's good to have positive people around you? Yes, of course it is! I love it but I also find it hard at times to keep up and act in the same manner, because let's face it, who wants to be the "boring, sad one all the time" huh?

5. It hurts when you stop inviting us out places, just because we say no sometimes. 

This one sucks. If you invite us out 10 times and we say no each time, still ask us again the 11th time! That might just be the day where everything is going right, whereas the 10 times before wasn't.

6. Visible obvious self-harming scars do not need to be stared at, whispered about or judged.

Yep, seriously this happens. Not to me may I add, but somebody I know. Again this may not intentionally be done in a malicious way but we notice, we know they are there and we can't hide them forever.

7. Being 'good' or 'happy' for a period of time does not mean we're suddenly free from our mental illness, so no we wasn't 'faking it'. 

This simply means today's going well and we hope more than anything it stays that way for as long as possible, but ultimately we know tomorrow could be completely different so bear with us.

8. Some days just making it out of bed and showering can be an accomplishment! 

Let's just say when it gets bad, it's bad.

9. It can be a constant battle with wanting to get better, but also not wanting to open up to others in fear of being judged or treated differently. 

Support is everything in somebodies recovery.

10. Being the 'outsider'. 

Yep, it happens. Nobody wants to be the person everybody walks on eggshells around in fear of upsetting you. If you know somebody with a mental health illness, act how you always have with them, we're still the same, we promise.

It's time to encourage more people to talk about mental health! Thanks for reading.

The 3 S's

What are the 3 S's? They are sexuality, society and stigma. Something that I've wanted to do a blog post on for a while now but just never really got round to it.

I wholeheartedly believe that sexuality is fluid. Others may disagree but for me it's a subject that could be debated for years and years as everybody is entitled to their own opinions and beliefs on the subject. I find it so incredibly hard to justify the fact that we are only supposed to love the opposite gender and that anything besides this is 'abnormal' because of course it isn't. I came out as a lesbian 2 years ago now and although I am proud to be part of the LGBT community, it doesn't stop me from wondering why I ever needed to come out in the first place. After years of confusion and not knowing who I was, what I wanted I finally decided to speak out and say this is who I am you can either take it or leave it. As I've got a little older I've started to doubt myself, not my sexuality but why we put so much pressure on ourselves to have a 'label', ask yourself is that for you or for others? Is it so we can stand up and state whether we are straight, gay, trans, bi ect? I know I don't put a label on my sexuality for myself, I do it for others but I don't want to anymore. I don't need to explain to anybody what gender I like or who I want to be with. I believe that as human beings we are going to love who we love. Whether that's the same sex or the opposite, IT DOES NOT MATTER!!

We need to stop putting pressure on the fact that you must fit in a specific box and once you're in it you can never get out again. You can be whoever you want to be and nobody should ever question that. So you've always thought you were straight and suddenly you meet someone of the same gender and you feel and think things you've never thought before, but for the sake of society, whether that be friends, family and so on you don't act on those feelings because you are straight, no bullshit you are just human and you could have potentially just pushed somebody aside who is great for you because you are too worried about what others think and you're straight. Luckily we are living in a more accepting and diverse world but there is still a long way to go, there are still people being killed for their sexuality, kids bullied for being 'different' and it's all so wrong. I hope the next generation of kids and the generation after are told its okay if you like both male and female, you don't have to explain that to anybody and you most definitely don't have to put a label on it for others. 

I used to think labels were so important, especially when I first came out. I immediately wanted to fit into a specific category, almost so I knew my place which is so stupid. I even done a blog post on lesbian labels but have since deleted it because I hated what I had written and no longer thought those things. I will always stand by my thoughts on sexuality being fluid, labels are made for society and that stigma is something still very real and present in our world today but no matter what be who you really want to be and love who you love without fear.

Planning for New York!


As my trip to New York in April is quickly approaching it got me thinking about all the incredible things I want to do and places I want to visit whilst I'm there. I can't wait until I can stop googling and writing about all of this and actually be experiencing it. New York has always been on the top of my travel bucket list, I can't believe it's actually happening. 

I have a few definite things I want to do whilst I'm in New York, I guess typical tourist places such as Times Square, Central Park, The Empire State building and The Statue of Liberty. Although New York is a major shopping city, I'm really not all that interested in that side of things. Don't get me wrong I'll have lots of fun looking and I'm almost certain I'll buy a few bits and pieces, but I'm more keen to do things that will hold memories instead of buying a ton of material things that in a few years I more than likely won't have anymore. Other things on the list that I would love to do whilst I'm there is, Central park Zoo and the 9/11 museum & tour which I can imagine will be incredibly moving. The list of things to do in New York is endless I'm sure but with only having a limited time there I need to make the most out of the time I do have.

Whilst I'll be very busy visiting all of those places, being in New York means one last thing, food! Lots of food. I am ready to indulge in everything I possibly can whilst I'm out there and I will not feel one ounce of guilt. Ever since I saw something on BuzzFeed about these amazing milkshakes made at Black Tap, which you can check out here, I've craved one. I NEED to visit and try one for myself whilst obviously eating a huge pizza because why not. 

Just another 2 and a half months to go and then I'll be there spamming your instagram and twitter feeds with all of my pictures, I can't wait. 

Accepting life with a mental health illness

If you're a frequent visitor to my blog, something I don't think anybody has been for the last few months due to me disappearing off the face of the earth in the blogging world then you'll know I've done a few blog posts writing in small detail about mental health. Well this post is going to be full blown, in your face, no hiding from it mental health and exactly how I've been dealing with it.

I really only decided to do this post as a 'back to blogging' kinda thing. I couldn't just disappear for months on end and then come back with a seemingly normal 'my favourite products' post or something along those lines. I feel like I have to explain a little about why I took a break from blogging and what's pushed me back into writing again. The truth is, I love blogging. I always have and I hope I always will. I really missed all the friends I made from starting my blog, it's like I just lost all motivation and couldn't be bothered to look after myself or anything I loved doing. I started this blog almost a year ago with every intention of making it somewhat a success, not to anybody else, but myself. It was mine, it was/is something I can be proud of. Carrying on with my blog and putting out half-heartedly content was not something I wanted to do nor was it the route I wanted my blog to go down.

It's been about 7 months now since I felt like that dark mist had come over me again (is that really cliché?), something I couldn't shake off, no matter how hard I tried. Imagine trying to battle with your own mind, EVERY day. It isn't something that's easy and the worst part is it's something you absolutely can't escape. How are you supposed to go about your normal day when all that's on your mind is, I need to get out of this place or I can't physically do anything because I'm so mentally exhausted. The mixture of feeling those things and being in a physically demanding job with long hours was just a recipe for disaster. I knew after about 3 months of feeling this way I needed to stop and just take a break from my normal day to day routine and thank god I did because I fell to pieces. I lost who I was, I lost all excitement from my life and I got used to masking my emotions. I basically withdrew myself from the world and it felt like I never wanted to re-join it.

After 4 months off work, therapy and medication I can finally say I'm starting to feel myself again. I've accepted bad days are going to happen and that sometimes there is no stopping them, but I've realised through all of this I have the power to create better days for myself. I'm learning to help myself a little more, instead of enabling my brain to take over and convince myself of stuff that isn't true. It's been a long and very hard few month but I do see the light at the end of the tunnel and the fact that I've managed to sit down and type all of this just goes to show how far I've come these past few months.

I'm back to blogging, very soon I shall be back to work and generally just living my life again.